31 Things I’d Have Told Myself Before College

Original article published May 26, 2013 on momentum.

Photo Credit: DearWorld

It’s been almost a year since I graduated from college. I had an incredible four years at the University of Chicago and learned more than I ever anticipated. Now that it’s in the past, I wonder: What do I wish I knew before entering college that I know now?

Here’s the advice I’d have shared with my 18-year-old self:

1. Master the art of asking great questions. Questions are the driving force of learning. The faster you optimize your ability to learn, the faster you’ll get where you want to go.
2. Outside of exams, forget about knowing the right answer—you’re wrong most of the time, anyway. What’s more important is knowing where and how to find the variety of answers most likely to be right.
3. Talk 20% of the time. Listen 80% of the time. One of the fastest ways to win others’ favor is by allowing them to talk excessively about themselves. Do this by asking great questions. A fast way to lose their favor is by talking excessively about YOU. Speak only to contribute value.
4. Know that college is an imperfect friend filter. Just because the admissions process is selective doesn’t mean your peers are instant friends. You must curate your own network; nobody will do it for you. It’s up to you to be proactive to find and build friendships and communities, BOTH inside and outside of school.
5. Quit early. Quit often. The fastest way to find your passion is by process of early elimination—try as many things as early as possible (e.g. internships, clubs, sports, social groups, etc.). Create criteria to determine what you value, then hone in only on activities that fit you best.
6. Create unconventional internship opportunities. Go beyond your college’s career services center. Unpaid internships can offer greater opportunities for learning more than paid internships. These experiences are an investment in your future–not for the meager intern pay or stamp on your résumé.
7. Endure haters. Sometimes, joining and quitting a club or team works out smoothly–you can stay or easily go on your way. But some activities require higher buy-in, such as groups that take pride in exclusive or secretive identity (e.g. fraternities, sports teams, etc.). With these, your act of “quitting” may result in harmful social backlash. Understand that someone else’s spite may be an expression of their own insecurities, usually having little to do with you. Winston Churchill famously said, “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something.”
8. Engage with conflict. Leadership is a contact sport. The trick is to be as fluid, harmonious, compassionate, empathetic and loving as possible, especially with adversaries. Get comfortable making complex decisions that involve tough trade-offs (e.g. offending people who you care about). Remember: you’re usually wrong, political bickering is childish, and picking your battles wisely wins the war.
9. Rethink the risks of standing out. Conformity offers emotional security and comfort, so in many settings, it’s scary to stand apart from the crowd. The short-term risks of embarrassment, rejection, alienation and failure do hurt. But the risks of conforming are boredom, lackluster experiences and regret for those strange things we didn’t do. The road less traveled is often the path of least resistance because it’s not a rat race.
10. Know that college problems are not real-life problems. Being a student gives you access to incredible resources: conversations with wise scholars, free access to incredible libraries, health insurance, and oftentimes, instant forgiveness of a mistake. Soak it in while it lasts.
11. The sooner you learn to not take things personally, the better.
12. Being offended is not the same as standing up for your beliefs. The first is tied to your fragile ego. The second is grounded in your true self.
13. Make a habit of recording “fringe thoughts.” These happen when you’re in the shower, on a morning jog, daydreaming or drifting off to bed—your moments of minor genius. Keep a notebook handy so they don’t flit away, forgotten forever. Capture them, internalize them, and if they’re good, don’t be selfish: share them.
14. Expose yourself to public criticism. Consider sharing a “fringe thought” publicly, such as on a blog. If you state what you believe most deeply, comments will range from glorified praise to sharp criticism. Don’t be surprised by the latter–criticism is a natural circumstance when sharing your values.
15. You will be Googled. Build your personal online brand, keeping in mind potential employers as your audience. Purchase a domain name for your blog and/or portfolio to set yourself apart from others, especially when applying for jobs. Résumés are easily lost in a pile of thousand applications, never to be seen again.
16. Learn about stoicism. Life is unpredictable. Learn to thrive in the chaos. Having a philosophical system that support this helps tremendously.
17. Read books, especially the classics. Think of the time you spend with ancient authors as time spent with the best mentors of all time. Nowhere else can you find the same level of wisdom and intellectual return-on-investment.
18. Read inspiring blogs. They provide ongoing inspiration from living sources, and can sometimes even lead to new friendships.
19. Tell your family how much you love them. If you’re moving away for college, you may feel pangs of homesickness and loneliness. In those moments, pull out a pen and paper and write the things you wish you had the courage to say to your family. Then put those writings in the mail and send them home.
20. Accept that death is a natural part of life. Think especially about what you would regret not having done if you died tomorrow. Do not defer your dreams.
21. Even though your parents might mean what’s best for you, they also might no know what’s best for you. As much as they love you, understand that they, too, are human. Their desire for legacy their worldview can compromise the quality of their advice. To reduce your dependency on them and increase control of your future, you can self-educate, take calculated risks, find means to become financially independently, and gently cut the cord.
22. Be selective with those who give advice. People sometimes give advice because it makes them feel important. Be aware that everyone has their own projection bias and may not give advice that fits your personal goals. Listen to advice from: a) people who’ve done what you aspire to do and at the scale you want to do it, and b) slightly older and more accomplished peers who inspire you to be better. The best mentors are those who ask tough questions rather than telling you what you “should” do.
23. Don’t complain. Everybody’s suffering, and some may suffer more than you. When you find yourself complaining, pause and look inward to ask: “Why do I feel this way? What can I do to change my circumstances?” If you can’t do anything to change your circumstances, then try to smile, keep breathing and eventually things will work out. If you can do something to change your circumstances, then take action and stop waiting around.
24. Play the student card. “Hi [So-and-So], My name is Zack and I’m a student at the University of Colorado…” works every time. People love to help students by giving time, advice and resources. Use this while you still can.
25. “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.” – Helen Keller
26. Front-load discomfort. The more uncomfortable situations you choose early in life for self-improvement and learning, the better you’ll know yourself. It will be less likely you’ll experience a quarter- or mid-life crisis later. Long-term regret is so much worse than short-term fear, failure or rejection. Discomfort doesn’t mean unhappiness. And nothing worth doing is easy. One of my friends thinks of his life like a rocket ship, and the purpose of his college years was to fill the tank with as much high-octane fuel as possible to endure the tests of higher-stress activities later in life. Laziness during youth is the biggest waste of all, since our college years are the ones during which our body can handle the greatest strain.
27. Do things that make you speechless. If you’re perfectly able to articulate your stage in life, then you’re not moving fast enough. Be like the honey badger: shove your face into the beehive first, then find the larvae. Put yourself in situations where you’re in over your head, then look to the gods and your inner strength to force yourself to rise to the occasion.
28. Keep your allies close. Build an inner circle that you update every few months. Vulnerability is the best way to build trust with your support network of champions. These people will appreciate your inclusion and respect your effort to reach out.
29. Travel internationally. Ideally as a volunteer or an intern rather than through a formal study abroad program. It’ll be harder, you’ll be forced to engage with the culture more intensively, and you’ll have a grittier experience. But it will shake you to your core and challenge your assumptions about why you exist. Plus, you might actually make money. A study abroad program, while a valuable opportunity, can sometimes shelter and insulate you, drain your wallet and short-change your potential.
30. Leverage your campus resources. Many students go through college thinking they’re paying for a diploma. Well, since you’re on campus anyway, milk it for all it’s worth. Seek out funds to support your opportunities: travel as much as possible to conferences, other cities, other countries, additional educational opportunities and more. Tap into your alumni network and to meet those pursuing careers that interest you. Go to events with interesting speakers, and approach them after the event. Get their business card, and set up a phone call to ask their advice on things. Go to professor office hours to build personal relationships.
31. Spend time alone. It’s easy to get caught up in social college life, but it’s just as important to make friends with yourself as it is to make friends with others. Consider meditating, pray, go for long jogs, write in a journal, or whatever else silences the noise and lets you renew. College is a four-year pass to set the direction of your life, so there is no single more important task you can do than to meditate on that question. Consider how you will measure your life, consider the type of person you want to become, and consider how you will remain the captain of your own soul as your ship leaves the shore.

Ted Gonder
Chicago, Il

Ted Gonder is co-founder and executive director of Moneythink, a nonprofit evening the odds for the next generation through financial education. He loves protein, aikido, and puppies. Read more at blog.tedgonder.com or follow him on twitter at @tedgonder.”